Newest special “Don’t Be Yourself” is the culmination of several years of hard work. Since recording 2014’s “Still Got It,” he’s been writing and touring incessantly.
The new special feels more personal than its predecessor. It touches on typical comedy issues like religion, anxiety, relationships and hangovers, but in Normand’s sincere, idiosyncratic performance style. It’s a style that helped the special earn a spot in Vulture’s “” of 2017 list alongside legendary comedians including Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock and Louis C.K. Normand was also featured on Paste’s “” in 2015 and has appeared on “Inside Amy Schumer” and Louis C.K.’s “Horace and Pete” — proving that he’s perfectly capable of making the transition from stand-up to acting.
In anticipation of the special, Rare chatted to Normand about a variety of topics including political-correctness, safe spaces and Ricky Gervais. RARE: Hi Mark! Talk to us about how you got into comedy. Mark Normand: Sure!
I was a low self esteem kid, a bed wetter, the whole thing. I grew up in a weird house in New Orleans. It was a mansion in a poor, black neighborhood. Had a transgender nanny — weird upbringing! My parents turned our house into a bed and breakfast when I was a kid because they couldn’t afford the rent. It was always awkward. I was eating breakfast with Chinese businessmen and traveling musicians.
So yeah, I had a weird childhood. Then I worked at a restaurant in college and a guy said, “Hey you’re funny, you should be a comic.” And I was like, “Nah.” Because being a comic to me at that time was like being an astronaut. It was like George Carlin and Jerry Seinfeld and I was like, “Who am I?” But I had nothing going on, and I had zero prospects so I thought, “What the hell.” So I got drunk went on stage and talked about a yeast infection I had at that moment, and it went pretty well.
And I was hooked. RARE: How is the comedy scene in New Orleans? MN: Well when I started in ’06 or ’07 there wasn’t much of a scene at all.
There was two open mics, and one was good, and one was almost worthless. It was just an excuse for comics to get together and drink and fuck around. But we would drive to Mississippi, we’d drive to Lafayette, we’d drive to Baton Rouge.
It was a lot of driving. Two hours or three hours just for five minutes.
There were no actual comedy clubs around. We had nothing, so I moved to New York after like nine months of doing comedy. RARE: Do you think New Orleans’ lack of comedy options is due to the fact that it’s a big music town, and there isn’t enough room for music and comedy? Comedy’s just not in the culture. It’s all jazz, it’s all booze and Mardi Gras and strip clubs and getting drunk. It’s a bachelor party atmosphere. Nobody really grew up with comedy, so nobody knew about it, so it just didn’t really click.
And when I go back now I’ll do big shows with Amy Schumer or whoever, and the audiences just aren’t really comedy savvy at all. And it’s a smart, liberal city, but it’s just not a comedy city. Comedy clubs just open and close over there. It just doesn’t work. RARE: When you would venture outside of New Orleans for a show, how often would you end up performing for in more conservative parts of Louisiana? MN: Oh, all the time.
Louisiana is the conservative part of Louisiana. New Orleans is the only liberal part of the state. RARE: Did performing for conservative crowds shape your performance style at all?
MN: No, but I was so green that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t know how to adapt.
I was just desperate for a laugh. I was clueless, so I didn’t know to change up my material or my style for different audiences. I was just telling dick jokes. RARE: What’s your favorite part of the country to perform in? MN: I love a nice progressive town. Austin, Portland, Seattle. But then on the flip side, I love blue collar towns because those crowds don’t get offended.
Ya know in Seattle, you might get a blogger or whoever coming at you for a gay joke or something. But you go to Buffalo or Philly or somewhere like that, and it’s a good time. These people work in a fucking mill or whatever, they don’t have time to go, “Whoa, did he say black instead of African American!? Forget this guy.” Being offended is a luxury, and they don’t have time for that.
RARE: So while we’re on the topic, what do you think about the overly sensitive audiences and the “safe space” stuff? MN: I think it’s silly. It’s like a trendy thing that stems from narcissism.
That hurt ME!” I think there’s some projecting involved in it too. I’ve noticed that a lot of these super angry social justice warriors are the angriest ones of all!
You’re allowed to have an opinion, ya know? But they’re trying to get people fired!
And that’s damaging. They’re ruining lives over silly jokes. And they’re allowed to be offended, but don’t try to get people fired. Those people are way more evil than any of us comics — we’re just trying to tell jokes to a bunch of bar drunks for peanuts. RARE: So do you think most of it is just people being unnecessarily incendiary?
It gives unoriginal people something to complain about. There’s an economy in it now — you get offended, you get outraged, and you complain, and people listen, so why wouldn’t they do it? People go, “Oh this person’s pissed, let’s talk to them!” So it works. But it’s all silly.
What really pisses me off is that Don Rickles just died, and all these people are saying, “He was such a legend.” And I’m like, “If your pussy ass was around when he was trying to come up, you would have ruined him, and we wouldn’t have a Don Rickles! Because you’re such a pussy, and you can’t handle words!” Everybody blows Lenny Bruce, but he was doing what you guys hate! We wouldn’t have great comics if these people got their way. And people like that are offensive and irreverent, and they’re great. Stop trying to ruin it, you cunts!
RARE: Do you perform at colleges? MN: Don’t get me started on the colleges.
Colleges are the worst! Seinfeld won’t do colleges, Louis won’t do colleges, Chris Rock won’t do colleges. They’ve ruined it.
They’ve ruined comedy. It never used to be this way.
George Carlin used to go to colleges to experiment and be weird. He used to go to get away from the squares and hang out with open-minded kids, but now it’s flipped. It’s the opposite. But I’ll do a college every now and then. I just did NYU, and I had a blast. But I got fired by my college agent for being too dirty — quote unquote. They’re kids.
When I was a kid, you could’ve shit in a cup, and I would’ve high-fived ya. RARE: So how much has comedy changed since you were a kid? MN: I think the core is the same, but it’s definitely gotten nicer.
When I was younger, people would focus on stereotypes, and comics could say “cunt,” and it wasn’t the end of the world. And now there’s so many straight, white, male comics that nobody really wants to hear what they have to say. Which is a form of prejudice a little bit.
So the straight, white male is kinda fucked. People are looking for any kind of difference now. Like, “Oh, he’s a male but he has an accent!” Or, “He’s a guy, but he’s gay, so he’s cool.” But if you’re a handsome, straight, white guy, you’re kinda screwed.
Not screwed in life, but screwed in show business a little bit. RARE: Have you performed in any countries other than the U.S.? MN: Oh yeah, man.
I’ve been all over. Amsterdam, Ireland, Saudi Arabia, Canada, Hawaii — I know Hawaii’s in America — but yeah I’ve been all over. RARE: Do you ever have to tailor your material when you’re overseas? MN: I kinda just go with what I’ve got, because I want to be the American ambassador guy on the show. I’m just gonna be The American. I talked to once — he would never remember because he was quite blacked out — and I asked him if he ever worried about his Australian slang, and he said, “No, because I am the slang! I do the slang and make them catch up to me.” And it works for him.
It’s who he is. It’s his thing, and audiences love it. RARE: Have you been doing any Trump material, or do you prefer to stay away from the political stuff? MN: I stay away from anything topical, because it expires. I had a few jokes about the Women’s March, and they killed — and I feel like topical stuff gets like 20 percent more laughs than other stuff because it’s fresh — but I don’t do topical, I don’t do political, I don’t do news, really.
It’s not my style. I like big stuff like race and religion and women and dating and anxiety.
I like a big subject. I don’t wanna go, “Hey did you hear about that plane that crashed in Kuwait and blah blah blah.” That doesn’t excite me. RARE: Tell us about your writing process. How long does it take you to craft enough material for a special?
MN: Oh man, it takes forever. This whole Louis C.K. One hour a year thing has set the model, but that’s not for everybody, and I wish more people would realize that, because they’re all trying to be that guy, and they’re not. Louis is brilliant, and he’s a genius, but he’s 30 years in, so people need to cool it. It takes me at least 3 to 4 years to write an hour that I’m proud of. Because it’s got to be front to back bulletproof.
I’m a big whittler. I’ll write a four-minute joke but whittle down to 40 seconds, which makes it harder to fill in the time. I finished an hour last year, and now I’m trying to write all new stuff, and I’ve got 15 minutes — maybe. And that took five months. So I’m pretty slow. I’m a joke guy and a word guy, and I want every word to be perfect. RARE: Once you’ve recorded a special, what happens to that material?
Do you lay it to rest, or do you continue to use it? MN: I still use it because I’m a headlining comic, and I need that time. So the new special hasn’t come out, so I’m coasting on that 30 minutes of material. I’ll throw some new stuff in there too. I’m a bad comic right now, because I’m throwing in new stuff for these paying customers, which is kind of a dick move. But I gotta do it, folks. RARE: How often do you hit up open-mics?
MN: All the time. I do bar shows all the time. I do it to work out the new stuff, but you can never really tell. I’ll write a joke at home and think, “Oh this gonna kill” Then when I do it, it just bombs, and it’s brutal.
And then I’m like, “Fuck comedy,” because I can’t figure it out. RARE: Do you have any pre-gig rituals? MN: Not really.
One thing I try to do is not drink. Even though I want to really badly. I love alcohol, and I think I’m addicted to it, but I try to stay sober when I’m performing. I’m also a big shower guy.
I always shower before a gig. I hate going on stage sweaty or with a greasy film on me. I like a good shower, and other than that I’m pretty good.
I like to feel good about my outfit a little bit, not to sound like a weirdo. If I’m wearing a weird shirt, I can’t relax.
RARE: Do you drink when you get off stage? It’s a problem. RARE: Do you have any creepy fans? MN: I get a lot of gay guys. Creepy gay guys.
They’re all over me. I’m not homophobic, but these guys are super aggressive to the point where I understand why women get freaked out when guys hit on them.
Guys are so aggressive, and they tell you what they want to do to you and you’re like, “Holy hell!” So I get it now. And I’ve had a few ladies follow me around from show to show, but nothing like these gay dudes. These gay dudes are hardcore. RARE: What’s it like working with Amy Schumer?
MN: It’s the best. She’s like my boss. I opened for her for years, and she’s the best.
She just gets it. She’s cool as hell, and she’s incredibly generous.
She’s given me so much stuff. I was poor, and she bought me a coat. And she’s given me so many gigs, and she pays very well. She puts you up, she flies you out on the jet with her. If she has a show, she’ll put you in the show; if she has a movie she’ll put you in the movie. She just gives, gives, gives. And all she wants in return is a bit of respect and friendship.
She’s incredibly loyal. And comics are weird, so we’re both weirdos, and we both get it. Having a comic as a boss is better than having a non-comic as a boss. RARE: Who are some of your influences? MN: Well when I moved to New York I got really into that New York crew:,.
Those were my guys when I started in New York. I wanted to be one of those guys. But as a kid, Groucho Marx was a huge influence on me. My parents were kinda old-school, so when I told my mom that I wanted to do comedy, she gave me a bunch of Marx Brothers tapes. And it was great. I got into right away, because he’s basically a cartoon character. Then I was obsessed with Bill Murray.
I loved “Stripes” and “Caddyshack” and all that. Then I got way into “SNL.” And when “Seinfeld” came out, it blew my mind. It was exactly my kind of humor — that New York social commentary that I really love.
Larry David is my all time hero. I love that awkward, uncomfortable humor that Jewish people and British people do so well. Like Ricky Gervais. He does that stuff too.
RARE: Are you a Gervais fan? MN: Yeah I like him. I think he’s funny, but there’s still something I don’t quite get about him.
He’s a comic, but he’s not really a comic. He’s a funny actor. There’s something about him I don’t trust. But he’s obviously a funny guy, and “The Office” is amazing. He’s talented, but something about him rubs me the wrong way.
RARE: Tell us about your upcoming projects MN: I have a podcast that comes out every Tuesday. It’s very irreverent and offensive. It’s just two dudes being douchebags. I’ve got a Snapchat series on Comedy Central’s Snapchat starting in May. I’m on Fallon on the 11th.
And then my special is called “Don’t Be Yourself.” It’s on Comedy Central. Check it out, because I’m being myself on stage, and I’m saying stuff that would get me fired from a normal job.
But I’m not trying to hurt anybody, I’m just trying to funny. So check it out and see if you agree with me. You can see Mark’s brilliant special “Amy Schumer Presents Mark Normand: Don’t Be Yourself” when it premieres May 12 on Comedy Central. To see his upcoming tour dates.
2K Flares 2K Flares Has anyone ever offended you? Reasons to find offense surround us. Presidential candidates.
Kentucky Wildcat fans. Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.
We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others. Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you. Yes, some people say and do things that may seem ridiculous to you.
But have you ever thought about how you say and do things that are ridiculous to others. The issue of being offended has to do with how we choose to respond. In the same way that we choose to be offended, we can also choose to not be offended, which has several advantages. We can listen to and understand others better. We increase our opportunities to learn. We can more easily resolve conflict. We grow our ability to influence the world around us.
Once you choose to respond in offense, your ability to make a difference will be negligible. But if you choose to not be offended, then you have taken the first step towards influence.
Photo by Kristina Alexanderson (Creative Commons) Making this choice, however, is difficult. Here are a five ways to help you change how you respond.
Find value in every person. You have to believe that every person in the world has intrinsic value, and then look for it.
Understand that their perspective is unique to them, and that is is beneficial. Seek what is helpful instead of being focused on what you find offensive. Always be asking what they can teach you.
Search for what you can learn. You will be amazed at what you find. Learn to listen. Most of us don’t. We listen to people that we agree with because we already like what they are saying. But we rarely listen to anyone else.
The only way to understand another person is to hear what they have to say. To listen with the goal of understanding, not arguing. If someone is offending you, then it is a good time to stop talking and start listening. If nothing else, you are less likely to say something you would regret. Try something new. Like strange food, the reason we don’t like something different is only because we haven’t tried it.
Ignorance leads to fear. Fear leads to being offended. Start with something simple like food or a cultural experience. If you feel courageous enough, switch to CNN or Fox News, depending on your political persuasion.
Develop a spirit of courage and adventure. The only way to understand a different perspective is to try it. One of the main reasons we are so easily offended is pride. The most humbling thing you can do is apologize when you are wrong. We are all wrong at some point. When it is your turn, do something beneficial about it. It will force you to humble yourself and will speak volumes to the other person.
Today, find someone you have offended and apologize to them. Don’t feel that is it your obligation to change people. Being a friend is about loving them where they are. Friends encourage and help.
They find what a person needs and then seek to help meet those needs. No strings attached. The people who are in the best position to influence us, are these true friends. Being offended is really a selfish way to treat people. It is a response focused not on the other person, but only on ourselves. It is about what we want them to be.
It is about our desire to change them. The only person in this world that you can change is you. The only way to remove offense from your life is to choose to respond differently. Are you easily offended? What have you found that helps you choose otherwise? Help all of us choose better by sharing your ideas in the.
Oh Yeah It Does
My Mum gave me the most wonderful piece (peace) of advice -‘Nicky, offence is for little people. Breathe, and walk on.’ She is so right, if something offends us, we have to look within as to why it offends us, at the deeper level, rather than focusing on the offence. Why do we have those feelings, what is it that has been said, done, shown etc that we get prickly about, is there something we need to change within ourselves. Only then can we look objectively at the offence, and decide if we need to do something about it, and sometimes we do, but this is a response rather than a reaction. Great post Jeremy. Hi,I’m Filipina,and I am 18 years of age,I used to get offended always in my workplace and workmate,every time they laugh at me i don’t know why(i think because of my face)I always get offended.I am really hurting and i always cry when I got home,i used to ask my mum,yes she gave some advice but it won’t strike me and help me, instead making the situation worst,I used to search article like this cause I’m hoping through this my mind will be enlighten,and thank God,I thank you guys for helping me.God Bless and More Power.
To me, it depends. It seems to me if you’re legitimising abuse. If i’m mistaken, then please clarify.
Offence is often seen as “bad” in life. No emotion is inherently bad, since they all exist for a purpose. Perhaps i have a simplistic world view (well humans are simple in some sense) but if a person is hurt by another’s action, then this is not bad to feel/think that.
To me it’s a normal response. Perhaps it’s my own reasoning, but I don’t think good or even normal human conduct is to cause others distress.
That said, I do agree how we respond to situations is key. If somebody is purposefully causing us offence, then fighting fire with fire is not always appropriate or productive.
If somebody in one’s vicinity is not friendly or welcoming, big deal. Simply disengage from them. Also, people often are offended at others’ life choices, but this presumes persons always respect others’ rights and actions. In our contemporary Western society, perhaps, since we believe in acting freely without hurting others. Not all cultures, whether today, historically and most likely in the future were/are/will be so tolerant. I think also as human beings, we hold a tendency to project and believe “if it is good for me, then it’s good for all”. I personally live life with a generally liberal attitude, since I recognise that everybody is different.
However, I would only respond negatively if actions affect others negatively or myself in a bad manner. Thanks for the comment. You are right. I do not believe all offense is bad. I was trying to address the type of offense you mentioned at the end of your comment. The type where you don’t agree with and don’t like what someone else is doing or saying.
And as a result, you don’t like them. Some things are offensive and it is okay to be offended and okay to say so. We can often make progress when we have honest open discussions about such things. But there is a significant portion of the time when our offense is really selfish. I’ve been into therapy for years, for problems related to vocation and depression. I consider myself a good person, not only as a full devoted and willing worker, but also as a respectful, friendly and collaborative being.
I like helping others whenever I am asked, and because of these problems related to vocation I have tried to keep a balanced life and a sense of accepting life as it comes However, some months ago I was fired for offending my exboss. I think the freedom of choice is very valuable and extremely important, and yes, there are those out there who offend others simply to belittle them and bolster their own ego (especially on the internet where one doesn’t have to reap the moral consequences of hurting others.) But I feel having these freedoms means wielding them responsibly and with tact. Moreover, I also have found that in instances when someone is blatantly trying to offend others, not allowing oneself to be offended is a much more powerful and disarming response that a hot-headed tirade that validates the instigator.
Leah is someone you most likely fall in love with and forget. Leah is the most you will ever see and her soul is even more beautiful. She does not realize this but she is the most amazing thing that has happened on the face of this planet. She leave you and never tell you why but don't worry too much, remind yourself that she's simply finding her own way.
If you have the opportunity and privilege to see her face be grateful, such incredible and profoundly beautiful things don't happen too often in this universe. Leah is an with a sparkling personality. She is usually super friendly and nice. She is also incredibly intelligent, and often uses long words that almost no one knows. She usually gets great grades on tests and never has to study. Leah also has a great sense of humor, which is mostly sarcasm. She is also very, especially her eyes and hair, even she doesn't think so.
She is often the Peacemaker of any group she is in. Leah doesn't like invading privacy and annoying others. She is sometimes shy and anti-social. Leah does not have full confidence in herself, even though she should. When she is with her, she is and hyper.
If you insult her, she couldn't care less. If you insult her friends, her coming at you is the last thing you see for a while. Leah- Goddess and but doesnt realize it, has a great sense of style, hates labels, loves big hair, gives the best advice, can sometimes become hysterical but that adds to her personality, shes seems like a quiet good girl when you first meet her but when you actually get to know her shes quite the oppisite. She gets frustrated at clingy at times and can get offended easily but thats because she doesnt have the highest of self esteems.
Even there is no reason for her esteem to be so slow, shes gorgeousssss. Obsessed with movies. Know-it-all, but really isn't. She gives everyone a chance no matter who you are.
Shes an person. If you know her, consider yourself lucky.
When someone tells me, “I don’t care if people like me,” they are showing me the emotional wall they use to block the hurt of rejection. All of us care if people like us.
Humans are social animals. According to the psychologist Abraham Maslow, feeling, affection and belonging is necessary before we can reach the highest levels of consciousness and. We need each other to survive, from infants through schooling and throughout our professional careers.
Many and happier lives. The greatest form of is isolation.
To think you can realize your potential without the help of others is an illusion. While trying to navigate your work and home life, you need people to talk to, to listen to you, and hopefully, someone who will challenge some of your rambling thoughts. I often need a human mirror to see how much I've grown in the past year and to remind me of my strengths. I, excel at reminding myself of my weaknesses, so I elevate my self-awareness with the aid of my trusted friends and colleagues. Based on this need for social connection, your reactions to rejection, negative judgment and stinging sarcastic remarks can range from minor hurt to bouts of. The ability to let a show of dislike roll off your back is a learned skill.
You have to consciously balance your need to be liked with what is true about the current situation. Catch yourself reacting defensively or shutting down. The first step to handling a negative situation is to recognize your reaction. Instead of stuffing your emotions, you need to stop three or four times a day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Do you feel in your chest, betrayal in your heart, in your shoulders, gut or head, or in the pit of your stomach? It takes practice to discern your feelings, but the first step is to identify so you can choose what to do next. Ask yourself what is true about the situation. When you sense yourself shutting down or feeling defensive, ask yourself what you believe the person meant to do to you.
Did they truly mean to insult you, betray you, disrespect you, or make fun of you? Your works very hard to keep you safe, so it will judge a situation as threatening if there is any possibility of social harm. This is not a logical process. When you react to a person’s words, ask yourself, “What was the intent of the comment?
Is it true they meant harm? Is it true that others will agree and judge me negatively because of their words?'
Would it be possible to ask the person if they meant to insult you or discredit your ideas? Often people do not realize the impact of their words. You will feel better if you discover they meant no personal harm. If you are sure the person meant to be negative, determine if their target was you personally or your ideas. When our brains sense a possible threat, we react as if we were personally attacked, meaning we take things too personally.
Take a breath to relieve the and ask, “Was the person commenting on my idea or on me as a person?” If you aren’t sure, take another breath and feel it enter your stomach. This will ground you in the present and take you out of your chattering mind. If you can, look the person in their eyes. Then ask yourself the questions in point #2 to determine if the remark was a personal attack that needs to be addressed or just a disagreement you can live with. Finally, if you believe the person doesn’t like you, ask yourself if this matters. Some people will like you. Others will not.
Will the person’s judgment of you impact your work or life? If not, what can you do to release your need to be liked or even respected by this person? And, what can you do to stay neutral and not return the dislike?
The more you can come to accept others as who they are, to resist fixing them or changing their opinions, and to listen with patience and compassion, the more you can move forward with your regardless if someone likes you or not. According to Charlotte Kasl, PhD, author of If the Buddha Dated, when you dismantle your personal censor you can achieve your highest potential. Rise above the discord by mentally the person for not appreciating what you contribute and forgiving yourself for reacting with fear or anger. If you are doing the best you can with what you have, worrying if people like you or not is a waste of your most precious resource: your energy.Adapted from by Marcia Reynolds. If somebody doesn't like me due to a clash of personalities, my race, my class, or my gender for example, why would I tie myself in knots trying to appease them or understand their point of view?
Granted, nobody is perfect, but it's a fact of life that you're not going to be liked by everyone, and I really don't agree that everybody cares about what people think of them. After all, there are individuals who have a secure sense of self and don't rely or need affirmation from others to know that they are ok. I had a co-worker insult me in a way that I hoped upon hope I was covering up.
I worried I was thought of as not very smart. When that co-worker needed to cover her own mistakes she told the boss everything was my fault. Without even talking to me to get my side- I was let go. What I fear people think about me is true and there is nothing I can do to change how smart I am.
I can't recover. At my new job, whenever I do make a mistake, I am panicked. Even if it could be perceived as my mistake I am panicked. I have isolated myself. What I am is not good enough. Looking back, the friends I have had in my life have always considered me in this way.
What do you do when people are right? I am unacceptable to others and myself. Sounds like your former co worker is childish. Your boss might be also.
Can you go to a labor board? We all make mistakes. We really do. Also, in this economy many people panic. If they have a stable situation such as trusting family then it makes it easier in other words the job is an extension of the family.
If you do not have that, then many are in the position. ( No that does not help). Try to volunteer if you have the time. Make a difference to others especially animals. They do not judge, and you will feel better about yourself, and probably meet like minded people as well.
On TV a couple of years ago, it as mentioned that many people liked spending more time with other animals rather than humans. They made a lot more sense. Ever see the bumper sticker which reads something like, The more I meet humans, the more I like my dog! Volunteer work can also take the focus off of yourself, and help stop ruminating about the past. Even the recent past is over so just keep going, and do the best you can.
You sound like a nice person who is just going through some tough times. Also, I find that some young co workers( not all) can be snarky and conceited. SOmetimes ( not always) older workers can step back and laugh a little about mistakes such as memory vision, hearing etc. You sound insightful.
I'm sorry you feel like you aren't intelligent, or at least that others make you feel that way. I had a friend who always made me feel like an idiot. She would make patronizing, passive-aggressive remarks.
It's hurtful, and it made me feel self-conscious about what I say and do. I guess she wasn't much of a friend. It's hard to feel confident again when knocked down like that. What helps me is to focus on my strengths. Everyone has them, and they will be different for each person. I know I'm creative, compassionate, considerate, punny, etc. Make a list of 25 things you like about yourself/strengths you have.
It might be hard to even think of 3 at first, but try to write what you can. If there are things you're not quite sure are strengths, consider those things to work on. Have a shorter list of things you would like to work on and then find ways to work on them that is reasonable. This has helped me with confidence, so it might help you too. I feel like I have a situation at work similar to yours. It does HURT! I work with public defenders and secretaries who are moles to the new office manager as I've been there about a little over a year and there is so much work and stress to get it all done, yesterday!
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I struggle and they all know it, including the OM. Getting my review was painful in her writings of me. It seems I can never do anything right or just am never told anything positive - only negatives! My days are LONG and LONELY there - I'm a good person too! I'm at a loss - though find myself watching the job postings online. I'm not sure if this is your situation, but often groups have one person who is the scapegoat, the person they can put all their complaints on and make the 'odd one out' in the group. I'm sorry if you are a victim to that and I'm glad to hear you are looking for a place you might feel valued instead.
In the meantime, the only suggestion I can make is to take a piece of paper and create two columns. In the first column, list everything that is 'Not in My Control.' If you keep worrying and complaining about things you have no control over, you will only feel worse every day. In the second column, list everything that is 'In My Control' starting with how you are taking care of yourself through these difficult times and creating a vision and plan for your future that you can start working on today.
If you do even a few things to feel like you have some control and are moving forward, you should feel better about yourself and the situation. I hope this helps. I am sorry to hear the incident had such a lasting effect on you. As humans we all make mistakes; that is how we learn. What if you were good enough right now, really? May I suggest you see a counselor to talk about your deep sense of inadequacy?
It feels as if you are spiraling downward. It would be good to have someone help you acknowledge what is good and right about you so you can start back on a path to a better state of self-regard. And it would be good to find friends who don't constantly judge you.
That is not healthy for anyone. 'Friends' who constantly judge you or only see you if you are 'good' or if everything is going well are not friends. Yes, it is easier to be with someone who is happy, but real friends are there for you in good times and bad.
What about family? Yes, see a counselor one who won't scold you or punish you for mistakes. If you worry you are constantly being judged, you will not be happy or spontaneous. If your former boss believed a lying co worker over you and did not even talk to you, then that is a form of favoritism. She/he was a favorite, and you were not in the 'in' crowd.
Everyone makes mistakes, or says silly things. Also try to find a support group if you can for people with anxiety/depression.
Perhaps that will help with isolation. I have a fellow employee that gives off the vibe he may have a problem with me. I'm really not sure. This morning I said good morning to the individual and they did not acknowledge me. I thought they might have had a headset on, but I looked and there was nothing.
That individual then proceeded to acknowledge everyone else in the good morning traditions. So now I am confused about this situation. So, I figure that I am not going to waist my time on this individual anymore. The problem is that our positions interact a lot in the course of the work day. Am I missing something here? And just to clear everything up, this happens on a daily basis. Hi Lucy, I am sorry to hear you lost what you thought was a good friendship.
I think you have two choices. Ask Emmie if she would speak with you. If she will, tell her you miss her friendship and then ask her what it would take to rebuild the relationship.
Listen to her. Don't defend yourself.
See if she is willing. If she is not willing, then maybe she wasn't such a good friend after all. Friends allow us to speak our mind and they will work through challenges with us as our friendship grows. You might need to accept the loss, feel sad, and then look to see who might be a more trustworthy friend for you over time. I care way too much about whether people like me nowadays. Growing up I had a good batch of friends, and I have the same 5 best friends I did 15 years ago.
But when I meet new people, usually other women, I seem to be very deeply affected if I perceive that they don't like me. I was recently out with my boyfriend, his friends, and their girlfriends and wives. I seemed to be fixated on trying to get this one woman to think I was cool, and I saw that she was friendly with most of the other women, but not me. I saw on Facebook that she had become friends with a lot of the women, but not me, and I can't figure out why I am so bothered by this. I don't know if it has something to do with getting older (I'm a 29 y/o woman) and fearing not being able to make friends as easily, but it has been driving me crazy since I went out with these people. I feel so immature in feeling like this, and it's also causing me to reevaluate all of my real (and good/fun/healthy) friendships and scrutinize anything that I think may be them showing me they don't want to be my friend anymore.
Casey, you are being very hard on yourself. As humans, we all want to feel heard, significant, and that we belong. We sometimes to silly or extreme things to get these needs met.
So first, forgive yourself. Then ask yourself what you learned from this. Do you really need to be accepted by this woman? Does this reflect a bigger need for approval or recognition, or just more of a social life? Discover what you really need so you can determine if you need to get these needs met or let them go because you are doing okay as is. Then the next time you find yourself feeling you need someone who is disrespecting or ignoring you, take a breath and ask yourself what you really need in that moment and why.
Maybe you can get your need met in a healthier way. I'm having a hard time with something related to this article.
I've hung out with my husband, his coworker and his coworker's wife several times before and I thought all was well with that relationship. However, recently, my husband and his coworker were sitting with a student (they're teachers) and his coworker awkwardly brings up that his wife finds me 'exhausting'. The student commented that this was mean and my husband just moved passed it, not wanting to talk about it. I don't know what to do with this information! My feelings were first hurt and then I felt angry and disrespected and now I can't stop questioning how I come across to others. She is introverted and I am extroverted but honestly a lot of my very close friends are introverted, including my husband!
I am having a very hard time letting go of this. I'm not sure if I should take her feedback to heart or if she just doesn't like me in general and there's nothing I can do about it. I can be a bubbly, happy and confident person and I know some people don't like that. But I strive to always treat others with friendliness and respect so shouldn't my personality quirks not matter in the end as long I've done you no wrong!? Also, I'm hurt that his coworker would disrespect me in such a way by even bringing this up to my husband and in that professional setting in front of a student. I've been pathetically polling family/friends and everybody said that's not a word they would use for me.but they could just be being nice! How can I move past this?
Hi Anonymous, I understand that the comment hurt you, especially because it feels as if the person is attacking who you are, not just a little habit you have. It is hard to know the intent of someone's comment, or what triggered it. To an introvert, anyone who exudes a lot of energy can be draining if they feel the need to keep up with you.
Maybe she does, maybe she is jealous of your zest, or maybe would rather be with quiet people. No matter what, that doesn't mean you should change to please her. Also, she did not make a request for you to change. She made a complaint to her husband, which she could have done for many reasons. Again, this is not an indication that you have done something wrong.
You have already put way too much time and focus into your reactions to her comment. Unless you have a real reason for needing her to like you, you should bless her, hope she finds peace, and focus on the people who appreciate your style and your heart.
And yes, it was inappropriate of the co-worker to share this information with you in public. If you feel inclined to ask him, privately, what what his intention by the remark, you might do that. Was he sad that his wife was not there too? Was he wanting more attention in the conversation? Had you offended him and didn't know it (if so, don't defend yourself, just say you are sorry for what happened)? This might be a conversation to have between you and him if you can have it with curiosity and not anger.
I do hope you can move on soon. Hi, When I just got my job I couldn't wait to get started. I was really exited to work in a team.
I work as a secretary in a secretarial department with 8 other secretaries. All women between 28 and 45 years, and all of them know each other privately. It's a hectic job and soon I discovered that the slogan which was repeated over and over again 'you can always ask us if you have questions' was an empty courtesy, not something I could do. As a result they complained to my team leader that I worked too slow and did not prioritise enough. During a team meeting my team leader told me I should work faster or she wouldn't keep me.
I tried working faster, prioritised, but still wasn't fast enough and started making mistakes. I never got feedback from my coworkers, instead they went to my team leader again. During the next team meeting she told me that I made too many mistakes and that I wasn't fast enough. She was thinking of letting me go when my contract allowed it. After a month of stress and making even more mistakes I decided to pick up the difficult tasks and work at my own pace, this proved to be working. Within three weeks I was doing quite well. So, the first four months of my job were terrible.
Now it's one and a half year later, I'm fast at doing my work, I can prioritise and I discovered that I can do jobs no one else can do. I speak 5 languages, I'm an efficient problem solver, I know everything about regulations and protocols. I know who to call and how to get things done. And my colleagues profit from it. I also discovered that my super fast colleagues always made a lot of mistakes which they don't have to take responsibility for. They cover for each other, not for me. Now I have a new team leader who appreciates my work, but my coworkers still don't accept me.
It doesn't really hurt that much anymore, but it's so exhausting. I've talked about this with my new team leader and she said that my former team leader probably was the cause of this. Somehow her past behaviour at team meetings resulted in the fact that my coworkers underestimate and don't trust me no matter how well I do my job. She told me to talk to them about it. But I discovered that when I try to talk about their behaviour, and how their comments make me feel they simply ignore me. Fact is they still don't acknowledge me. I'm tired of being bullied at work.
I think it's personal and I don't know why. I often tell myself that I don't care but honestly I'm tired of daily demeaning and depreciating remarks. I want to be accepted, not tolerated. A problem I still don't know how to solve.
Hi Rina, I am so sorry you have to go to work in a place where people don't like you. Sounds like you enjoy your work and your new team leader, which is good and valuable. Sometimes immature groups find someone to make the scapegoat. This is the person that can do nothing right. The most influential people in the group do what they can to get everyone to align with them to shun the scapegoat. It is even possible they are afraid of you because you are more qualified than they are. Since you have already addressed this directly with them, the only way out of this is either for your team leader to encourage inclusion and team spirit, or for you to find at least one person in the group who will be your friend (not the biggest bullies of course).
Maybe you can find one person who doesn't shun you that you sort of like to ask, 'What would it take for you to be friendly with me?' Asking sometimes works better than telling people how you feel. With all your skills, knowledge and now good experience, I hope you find a workplace someday soon where people enjoy you instead of try to kick you away. Reynolds, I could use your advice. I am in my late 20s and work in a large medical practice. I assist surgeons in seeing their patients during clinic.
I have worked for this practice for nearly five years, and have moved positions three times, hand-picked by the doctors to become their nurse. A little over a month ago I moved into my latest position, a job I am well-pleased with, except for one thing-two coworkers.
Although I have worked with these nurses intermittently for years, I have not shared space with them until now. Prior to the position move, these coworkers chatted with me frequently and were readily available in helping train me for the job. I was thrilled and relieved that I was fitting in, considering these two nurses didn't get along with my predecessor. In fact, they are known to be icy to many people in the office. The older of the two nurses seems to be the leader of the younger nurse that she buddies up with during gossip, lunch and team meetings.
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I think the younger of the two is a follower, because when the older one isn't around, she is more responsive to me. (My manager has shared that she has conflict with the older nurse, and I have heard that another surgeon in the practice wanted to terminate the nurse, but that nurse's doctor defended her.) Long story short, now that I have moved into this position of sharing space with these two nurses, I get cold shoulders from them 90% of the time. I am always the one to say 'good morning' first. They do not ask about my weekend plans. They do not make eye contact with me. If I try to join in on their chats, they shut down.
When other folks walk through our department, they converse with them, joking and laughing. Other folks receive emphatic greetings and I am ignored. If I did not share space with these coworkers, I could ignore them.
However, attempting to ignore them when we work together leaves me feeling emotionally drained, distracted from my work, childish and self-conscious, especially when they whisper. I continue to long for acceptance and can't figure out what has gone wrong. I fear that sitting down with the nurses would worsen the situation and I would probably become more invisible to them.
I work for a top-notch surgeon and I need to be able to continue performing well to keep in good-standing with him. I fear that in time this issue will hinder my work performance. Hi Jane, This may not console you but it sounds like the two women see you as a threat to their territory and possibly their expertise. You can't do much about this but be cordial, and mentally forgive them for their worries. If you feel it would help, you could ask them to lunch or just coffee and then tell them that having a good relationship is important to you.
Then ask them if it is important to them too. If so, would they be willing to acknowledge you more often, like say hello.
It is okay to say you feel hurt when they don't do this. Sometimes people need to hear this before they will change. Then you need to work in your own confidence, remembering you are good and don't need them to be nice to you to do your best work. It is not ideal, but you control your reactions. Be the master of your mind, not the victim.
I hope this helps. In my current job, I was bullied and eventually blew up and got in trouble.
One guy was a total douche and would stare at me for no reason. I kept asking the managers to move me, with no luck. The bullies/mean co workers were never held accountable and I eventually got to move to a better area of the office. Now I am disappointed in my low pay, I do not want to promote there b/c it would involve being next to the mean people. This has ruined my confidence and I always second guess stuff.
I have applied outside of this office with no luck. I have networked as well, no luck. I have a bachelors degree. Taylor, I am sorry you feel stuck in a bad environment with no where to go.
Did you ever talk to HR about the harassment or why you now don't want to move up in your organization? They might give you insights about what you can do to feel better at the company. Have you considered seeing a therapist about your slipping confidence?
When I had a toxic boss, I found a therapist who helped me rise above his attitude. I felt better about myself which helped me work for him, and then move on when I felt I could. It is better to talk to people about a new job when you have a positive state of mind, not a negative one.
When you are interviewing elsewhere, you need to feel upbeat. Remember to never tell them you want a new job because your current one is bad. Tell them how you can be a real asset for them and their future.
The same goes for when you go to networking events. Your attitude and emotions will have more affect on people than your words. Before you talk to people, focus on what you are grateful for in this life even if it is just your health.
Remember to listen to others with curiosity and care. Hold you head up high. You obviously have things to offer since your current company moved you to a better area. Good luck to you. Maya, ask her the question you asked me about what it will take to like you. You might let her know that it means a lot to you.
You might say something like, 'We might not agree on everything, but since we are in each other's lives, it means a lot to me to be comfortable with each other when we are together. What will it take for you to be okay with me?' Now she might ask you to quit sleeping with her son. You should not answer that alone, but with your other half, explaining the depth of your relationship and your hope she will accept you at some point. Stay positive, keep asking and letting her know you care. Eventually, she may come around when she realizes you are serious. I have lived at my current address for 14 years.
I purchased the property with my husband who unfortunately passed away in 2009 suddenly. I have great neighbours & I am in a new relationship after 7 years I am only 49 now. I have some new neighbours who moved in 3 years ago she gave birth to a little girl who is 3 & has a little boy born Oct 15.
She has started causing criminal damage & whenever we come home from work we get verbally abused. After going through all the proper authorities all she is saying is & I quote 'i just don't ducking like her' obviously I cannot change her opinion but cannot understand when I haven't hardly had anything to do with them why someone would take a dislike to me. It worries me that this person has some sort of personality disorder or a mental illness what she will do next. I have now started parking my car away from where we live & walk to it to get to work. This seems to be causing her a lot of stress but I cannot afford to keep paying out for tyres at£250 a go. She's done it twice in 2 months can't put up cctv as it is a flat.
I have not had any incidents or confrontation with this person even though they try to provoke it I just ignore it. What else can I do this is causing my partner & myself so much stress & health problems any advice would be helpful. We are in the process of selling up because of this. I work nights. Intel hd graphics 3000 driver. Mary works days.
I am 67 and Mary is 24. Mary is very immature and irresponsible. She makes a lot of mistakes and constantly screws up. Her errors affect my job, or else I wouldn't care what she does. At first, I tried helping her and teaching her. She complained to her mother, and her mother angrily told me to back off.
Now most of my communication regarding this are through email, with a copy to the supervisor. This is the only way the problems get solved. Before, when I would try to communicate with Mary, she would just ignore me. The supervisor is aware of everything, but she only just defends her. Now my supervisor is not too happy with me either.
I told her she was in the best position of helping, and mentoring Mary, not defending her. So now I have two people at work that don't like me and it's causing friction, no communication, etc.
We are the only three employees in the dept. Other than this, I really like my job. What can I do, besides resign? Hi Virginia, Unfortunately, you can't help people who don't want to be helped, or want it from you.
When you give advice without permission, you will often get resistance no matter how good your intention is. Mary might have closed the door on you; the only thing you can do is ask if she would be willing to find a different way of communicating with you so you can try to resolve problems together. Then you need to treat her as a respected colleague if you can and not an inexperienced young women who needs your teaching. I think your best bet is to try to mend your relationship with the supervisor, again asking if she would be willing to work out this problem with you in a different way so work gets done more efficiently. A lot of supervisors don't want to have difficult conversations and face problems. You need a number of solutions or ideas that could help, if she is willing to work with you.
I am sorry this is such a frustrating situation for you. If it continues to hurt you ability to work and succeed, you may need to look elsewhere but I hope it doesn't come to that with some time and patience.
So once upon a time I had an 8th grade bf. We broke up, moved on & a few years later he got with another girl and got her pregnant.over the years she cheated on him, they broke up. Around 17 We re-connected and figured out we weren't meant to be.
They got back together. She hated me.
Then we had mutual friends, she decided she wanted to be friends with me around 18.ok, the past is in the past. Then overnight she hates me again. And from then on she's 'mean-mugged' me, & who knows what else (I don't have social media). I don't care to be friends with her because she flip-flops and I don't care about dealing with that.
But we cross paths every once and a while & it makes me feel anxious. How do I deal with that kind of situation? Especially because she's in my element, I'm not aggressive, or that idc about her but I feel lazers on me when she's around. Idk, just an uncomfortable situation.
She ended up leaving today but I'm non-confrontational and how do I deal with it?
This i dont understand. Cause ive known a few females like that too. What airhead gets offended because they were able to arouse a guy during an otherwise arousing activity?? Granted its better form if a guy doesnt get hard during a grinding session on the dance floor. Me personally. I think if i can get a guy aroused on the dance floor from basic grind danceing it is very empowering.
I derive a great deal of self satisfaction knowing i can do that to a man from just danceing. What red blooded female whose constantly worried about feeling and being sexxy in the eyes of the opposite sexx wouldnt??
This i dont understand. Cause ive known a few females like that too. What airhead gets offended because they were able to arouse a guy during an otherwise arousing activity??
Granted its better form if a guy doesnt get hard during a grinding session on the dance floor. Me personally. I think if i can get a guy aroused on the dance floor from basic grind danceing it is very empowering. I derive a great deal of self satisfaction knowing i can do that to a man from just danceing. What red blooded female whose constantly worried about feeling and being sexxy in the eyes of the opposite sexx wouldnt??
Click to expand.I don't mean to rain on your parade, but getting a guy hard isn't really a feat. Not that I'm not saying that you shouldn't take it as an obvious compliment, but I still remember what my health teacher said when someone in my 7th grade health class asked about why or how guys get boners or something like that.
His response was, 'You know, a pretty girl walks by, a gust of wind.' Of course, he was kind of an idiot, but I think it's more up to the guy's ability to control himself than what the girl does, you know, unless she's really good. That is one of the greatest quotes I've ever been privy to.
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